I am a blank page waiting for life to start. I am trying to heal. I need to heal. Most of which is emotional and mental these days. Sure there are the little twinges, the nausea and lost appetite. There are nights I can’t sleep and the moments I awaken to anxiety. But mostly it is fear of what ifs that creep in. What if the spot in my lung is something?
I am seeking support following my cancer and surgery. I met with a social worker who said one thing that is universal to all cancer survivors and patients is they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It becomes part of the fiber of their being. After years in the healing services she can see it. We wear it on our skin. I can feel it aching into my bones.
I shared with her my guilt. I’d no right to be disturbed by having cancer or being a cancer survivor. I had it easy. I found out about the cancer after my kidney was removed. Days into my hospital stay. It was caught early. I never had to endure chemo. Let’s be honest if you have to have cancer having it in an organ you can live without is pretty good. So what they hell do I have to complain about? She asked me what I’d say my cancer story was. ”You had cancer for an hour?”
I laughed at the absurdity of the question. In all seriousness she waited for my response. I would say I had cancer for three years misdiagnosed, a touch and go surgery and a traumatic hospital recovery. I am a cancer survivor who was fortunate not to have to go through chemo.
All I know is that life suddenly became short for me. Even if I live to my 80s I am ever aware of time and how fleeting life is. I don’t want to sit back any longer. I want to fight for every ounce of happiness and joie de vivre I can inhale and exhale.
She told me she has young patients that are dying but don’t believe it. The older we get the more aware of mortality and time we become. I plan to make it count. I realized that life could be short and with that has come a re-envisioning of priorities. I don’t want to waste my energy giving time and attention to things that drain me. I want to be energized and inspired. I want to feel……..ALIVE!
Some might say I’ve gone off the deep end, jumped the rails headlong for disaster. No, this doesn’t mean I am going to begin jumping from planes. I’ve never been an adrenaline junkie. But I did make a giant leap. I moved out of my home and am living temporarily in college housing for the summer. Have you ever done something you know was right even though everything about it seems wrong?
I am holding fast, sword held skyward. Looking for a place I can land and rest my bones. Where I can dance the night away and sing at the top of my lungs. Walk the halls naked and paint by the moonlight. Spread my wings and fly free.
I plan to begin to save my money and take all the trips I have put off for another day, Nashville, Savannah, Charleston, Prince Edward Island and Paris.
I am looking for my muse. I lost sight of her over the past few months. She lingers on the edge of my aura like a shadow, a memory of my soul’s purpose. She whispers to me “Come out and Play”.
Wow! Here I am at the 2 yr mark of this blog. It’s seems
almost completely unfathomable. And with each passing week I grow in confidence letting more of my Self pour out onto this canvas I present to the public eye. With every thought and raw admission my art grows stronger.
I had an idea to write a want ad for Muse for Hire. I couldn’t decided whether I wanted to write it from the point of view of muse or artist so I simply began to write, empty my muse out onto paper and it seems to have come to life as a manifesto of sorts. So here on this, my 2 year, anniversary I want to share with you Muse. The Yang to my Yin.
I won’t be summoned. But I will arrive, when it suits me, in my own time. You must court me if I am to call. Open up! Air out your Rooms! I will be your audience of one; giving substance, energy, feedback and meaning to your work. I will support you by prodding upwards towards greater feats. You’ll discover what is already buried there, deep, beneath the sleep of your daily grind. I am ever devoted. I will be yours and yours alone.
Are you hesitant to greet me newborn eye to eye? For loneliness has been your best friend. You have been cloaked in it for too long. But if we are to begin then you must call my name. Unfortunate for you by then it will be too late.
If you’ve found me, be fearful; be glad, it is all the same. I am real of flesh, blood, and bone. A living breathing human not some caricature of your dreams, not a projection of anyone’s mind. You’ll have to trust what I say is true or we will never find our way.
I will demand your honesty. Can you utter me your truths profound? Can you bleed your words onto a page, cry colors on canvas, scream choruses of the crimes you ache? Show me your heart’s longing.
Is your art real? Have you lived your own stories or borrowed ink? Reveal it to me. Show me your hurts, the interior monologue, bones bared. Do you dare to break the rules? Have you boundaries, secrets kept? Can you forget yourself? Are you able to submit? Communicate your confusion and we will find the sense in it. I have so much to teach you.
Your heart will ache if you look into my mirror. In me you will see your own beauty, the power to believe. I will root for you deeply till set in the ground. Show me your beautiful mess tucked in the corners of the labyrinth of your mind.
I may be your worst enemy. Strip you down; bore to your core, to the simplest barest whispered words. So come to me and we shall see if you can hack it. I will demand the impossible. For you will need to face eternity in each day.
No explanation, no excuses. I will move you to action. Because I can’t be deleted, I will push you again and again, till we’ve finished one masterpiece at a time. I’ll be up in your face till my morning coffee breath turns your stomach to dust. I’ll show you all you’re made of.
You’ll think me a sadist. I will drain you empty and then fill you again. Pour into you incandescence. Help guide you to the source. I will turn you inside out and back again. Bring you full circle to the end but a beginning for all to start again. There is no mystery in my origin. For you shall see we are all kings. Do you understand?
I will not sacrifice myself to your alter for I can do the job myself. But can you? Can you commit yourself to this creative collaboration? If you can dream it we can do it. That is what this goddess offers, the power of the magic we will create.
So be bold and grab hold where about to leave the gate. Leave your baggage behind. And hitch a ride for this may be the longest journey you’ve yet to take.
You’ll have to follow through. I will push you far past where you think you can go, far past all you know to be true, far past possible. Don’t be sorry. Don’t you dare apologize. See I will push you until we become one and you no longer have any need of me.
Blast from This Blogs Past
The Weekend Reading List
- The Loss of you Lingers ~ A letter Karin Carpenter wrote to her mother Joan a decade after her death from breast cancer.
- A Brilliant & Inspiring Illustrated Essay On Courage & The Creative Life ~ Debbie Millman rewriting the possibilities.
- I battled Me A Renascence ~ Poem