I am a blank page waiting for life to start. I am trying to heal. I need to heal. Most of which is emotional and mental these days. Sure there are the little twinges, the nausea and lost appetite. There are nights I can’t sleep and the moments I awaken to anxiety. But mostly it is fear of what ifs that creep in. What if the spot in my lung is something?
I am seeking support following my cancer and surgery. I met with a social worker who said one thing that is universal to all cancer survivors and patients is they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It becomes part of the fiber of their being. After years in the healing services she can see it. We wear it on our skin. I can feel it aching into my bones.
I shared with her my guilt. I’d no right to be disturbed by having cancer or being a cancer survivor. I had it easy. I found out about the cancer after my kidney was removed. Days into my hospital stay. It was caught early. I never had to endure chemo. Let’s be honest if you have to have cancer having it in an organ you can live without is pretty good. So what they hell do I have to complain about? She asked me what I’d say my cancer story was. ”You had cancer for an hour?”
I laughed at the absurdity of the question. In all seriousness she waited for my response. I would say I had cancer for three years misdiagnosed, a touch and go surgery and a traumatic hospital recovery. I am a cancer survivor who was fortunate not to have to go through chemo.
All I know is that life suddenly became short for me. Even if I live to my 80s I am ever aware of time and how fleeting life is. I don’t want to sit back any longer. I want to fight for every ounce of happiness and joie de vivre I can inhale and exhale.
She told me she has young patients that are dying but don’t believe it. The older we get the more aware of mortality and time we become. I plan to make it count. I realized that life could be short and with that has come a re-envisioning of priorities. I don’t want to waste my energy giving time and attention to things that drain me. I want to be energized and inspired. I want to feel……..ALIVE!
Some might say I’ve gone off the deep end, jumped the rails headlong for disaster. No, this doesn’t mean I am going to begin jumping from planes. I’ve never been an adrenaline junkie. But I did make a giant leap. I moved out of my home and am living temporarily in college housing for the summer. Have you ever done something you know was right even though everything about it seems wrong?
I am holding fast, sword held skyward. Looking for a place I can land and rest my bones. Where I can dance the night away and sing at the top of my lungs. Walk the halls naked and paint by the moonlight. Spread my wings and fly free.
I plan to begin to save my money and take all the trips I have put off for another day, Nashville, Savannah, Charleston, Prince Edward Island and Paris.
I am looking for my muse. I lost sight of her over the past few months. She lingers on the edge of my aura like a shadow, a memory of my soul’s purpose. She whispers to me “Come out and Play”.