When holding on is looking forward to(o)

Lately, “You travel a lot, or all the time, or…” has been reflected throughout my various circles. It irks me. Why should it?

Because until this month, it’s been 6 months since I last traveled. NO. Though true.

Perhaps it’s that I don’t travel nearly as much as I’d like… NO. But definitely true.

I’ve created an environment that is now reflecting back only the barest of snapshots; the thing I hate most about social media. For the last three years my periods of in-between have been stressful, fraught with big issues, illness and complications. I haven’t been able to create: draw, write, or sew. Things I require for balance and release. And I admit that travel offers a momentarily escapism, respite from the weariness. Sometimes. However, this is something only my inner most circles sees.

But do I want to share the darker details so broadly? Somedays. When the weight of it all tips towards loneliness and heartache.

But most days I arrive home after a long complicated work day, barely scrape together dinner, and hit the couch. Or I fight the inclination to reach out for comfort in the guaranteed/wrong places. I try to force myself to get the mandatory daily-livings done. And I push through to dawn, often restless and tired.

Today alone, I am changing my credit card for the 3X in 3 months due to Fraud. All my auto payments and spending are here. I’m trying to get back on the schedules for tests and doctors’ visits cancelled last month with my insurance implosion. Managing health issues not fixed. I’m working to contain my anxieties over my father’s upcoming heart surgery. I continue to let go of deep loses and am fighting a killer migraine, admittedly this one self-inflicted.

So I hold onto my upcoming trip to propel me through. This trip involves time with one of my dearest. Much needed hugs, laughter, drinks and play. This trip will bring me to France for the first time in 45 years, my birthday gift to myself. This trip affords me an opportunity to don a red corset, shake of my thespian soul and role-play someone less complicated for a night. This trip will fuel the coffers for many more long nights ahead. This trip will be the reason I survive and smile and seek the barest of silver linings on the longest nights.

So, next time I hear, “You sure travel a lot.”

I’ll respond, “You best your ass I do”.

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