Those who’ve followed me over the years know the odd evolution of this blog. What began as…an outlet for creative expression, full of fashion and art, writing and inspiration morphed over the years, turning increasingly personal, and then recently completely dropped off. I haven’t posted since my mentor died in January.
As a matter of fact I haven’t written at all, or participated in a single Friday Fictioneers, hell any of my usual creative releases. Other than a recent spurt drawing tattoos (which I was compelled to as they kept invading my dreams), I haven’t drawn at all. This creative slump on the underneath feels like an artistic identity crisis. Oh hell, it’s a full blown personal identity crisis.
One of my friends recently shared she thought a production company should keep me on staff. That my life alone serves as cinematic gold for plot line inspiration. Honestly it’s hard to make this shit up. I think people would just assume it to be pure fiction. They’d be wrong.
While I was gone I did attempt a foray into online dating; finally feeling ready to open my heart to another. This quickly morphed into a series of on-line dating pet-peeves for my Facebook friends. I probably should have posted them here too. For now, that insane exercise has ended. Apparently, I’m too (fill in the blank). My dating profile too…. And like in the real world men don’t approach me. I’m simply not cut out to online date.
I find myself in the grasp of full blown wanderlust, as it goes for me when I receive less that good news. I am craving taking off, running away, anywhere. But this time I simply can’t do it. I must be here. I ‘m needed home for myself and others. That said, I can assure you my friends taking off to Mexico, Vegas, and Utah, as I type this, is not helping sooth my predilections.
Ay! I have vays to push through. My dirty mind for one, which is shared by many close friends, and gallows humor come in handy when a laugh is most needed. I’ve also come to gain a few key phrases I use to cope:
First up. It’ll Be Fine!- This one works particularly well whenever your life is falling to unbelievable shit. You just bought a new house and it flooded……For months you’ve been training for the marathon then broke your leg …You got hit by a car on vacation…You’re getting married Saturday but your spouse has heartache out of nowhere…
(The t-shirt design in a lit bomb, fuse burning, body filled with the words It’ll be fine.)
Oh and the soundtrack you ask? It’s Alanis Morrisette’s Isn’t it ironic
Translation: No matter how bad things get, and they get god-damn-bloody awful. You will come out the other side. So you just keep going, one foot in front of the other, second by second if need be till you emerge. Even though it sucks; hurts immeasurably, even though you are changed, it will be fine.
Next, It’s just a Wednesday.– This is my newest one. Because I’ve come to learn crap doesn’t flow on a schedule. We all experience hard times. And when the log jam comes it is indiscriminate on day or rational in approach. There is no hall monitor saying this one has enough on their plate, give that mess to someone else.
Translation: The universe does not care that you’ve had enough. Life is not and never will be fair. Sometimes it is a deluge. So build your ship, load your kingdom and ride it out. This is just a Wednesday, get over the hump. You are always stronger then you think. And even when there is no fight left reach out. There will be a hand. And if not, then get up, crawl, scrap and you will find one.
Soundtrack: Fight Song, Rachel Platten
I am in the midst of a Wednesday that began like this, currently packing to move. I’m only going up two floors in my building but as anyone who’s moved knows, it might as well be across town. I’m single. I have no children to bribe into servitude. Moving sucks.
My parents are also currently putting their house on the market. And as many may remember my parent’s both have/had cancer along with me. My mother also had a stroke following her last chemo session. In other words, it’s time for downsizing. We’ve entered the part of life where parents need the support of their children. It’s an evolution for all of us. And as is my role in life, I tend to be the support, the go-to person for friends and family.
Naturally, I want to run to the airport and catch a plane. Anywhere…
The devil on my shoulder says, “Now, now, you have responsibilities. You have to pack for your move upstairs in 3 weeks. You have to work. People here need you.”
The angel says, “Good God Woman, life is short and that’s what miles are for! Use them!”
In the midst, I receive news that the love-of-a-friend’s-life found out she does indeed have cancer and it has metastasized. He’s terrified of losing her. I immediately want to fly to see them. The morbid tickle that I’ve already lost one blogging friend to cancer before setting eyes on them in person. I don’t ever want that to happen again. Ray, the inspiration for the book I wanted to write.
And as with any C diagnosis of a cherished one, this serves as a reminder of the demarcation line that came once I donned my Scarlet C. The feelings of the not knowing, the waiting, what’s the plan. Everything that was already building up inside me as my upcoming Aug scans approach. Once again reminded life has no guarantee. The gas was turned up under my ass, plunging me into a moment of depression unsure what the hell I’m doing to earn with this extra time of mine.
Since cancer I feel I’ve gotten borrowed time, a reprieve, as if the Grimm reaper and I made a deal. And I’ve no idea what the hell I’m doing with it, or to deserve this gift. There should be something more I’m creating, contributing. Something I’m giving back, a purpose I’ve yet to find. But I’m not a joiner or a volunteer kinda girl. And my artistic inspiration is in a slump. I don’t have a desire to change the world.
Then two of my dearests make me an offer, one that will at some point need to be a post entirely of its own. Let me just assure you it turned my world upside down. Up came emotions I long since thought put to rest. But none-the-less, ones’ that demand processing.
(insert Glenn Close gif “I won’t be ignored Dana”).
Nor apparently would my health. I haven’t been feeling well. I have a cough that can’t be explained and won’t go away. I’m more tired than usual. I’ve been feeling like I should call the oncologist and push my scans up.
To boot, I fell, catching my toe on the curb, I went down hard. And no, despite what everyone thought, I wasn’t “wearing any of my ridiculously high shoes”. I was in sneakers. And yes I’m apparently “too old to text and walk”. Bloodied and bruised, but thankfully nothing worse. With my spinal cord damage falls are verboten and it definitely shook me up.
As if I deserved a breath…I got a call from my kidney-buddy, a friend that’s lived for 20 years on one kidney. A man who knows better than I what that involves and has made me feel once again less alone in my process. He had a heartache and was going in for a quadruple bypass (which turned into a quintuple). He’s a year younger than me.
Again, it was another sharp focus reminder of the limits of our time here. Which always cycles me to “what the hell am I doing with this time of mine?” (see above) Honestly, the reason I’m forcing myself to write a blog post today. I must take an action to put a foot in front of the other.
As Aside: (And people wonder why I don’t give a rat’s ass about politics. I have no time to spare to the ugliness. I’ll just wait to see how scary this country I love is. And if Trump wins I want to officially announce I will be seeking an Australian husband and relocating. If interested please apply within.)
But wait, there’s more. I got my lab results back and apparently I had “a remarkable drop in my kidney function” in the last 6 months. She wants to recheck in a month, “Perhaps its transient”. Add this weight to my already full vessel and now I was officially freaked out. I seriously wanted a drink but now I shouldn’t be drinking at all. So, I’ve stopped. I also panicked about the weight I’d been gaining and complaining about, that now felt mandatory I lose.
“Like now! Nay, yesterday! Make immediate changes!”
Yep, I’d gone into complete freak out mode.
But as if all that wasn’t quite enough I got a call that my Dad’s heart valve is failing. It’s at the critical point, not closing, leaking blood. They are going to watch his symptoms. If they get worse he will need immediate surgery and another valve replacement. Regardless of when, he will have to have surgery. Now couple that with the doubled white blood cells with his Leukemia…. and FUCK!
So this was the course of my week from Friday to Wednesday. So as I like to say, “It’s just a Wednesday folks!”
So fire away…I am Titaaaniuummm!
I plan to try and find my way back to posting. I suspect it will only be Friday weekend posts for a while. And I may or may not have any reading lists. Okay, we’ll see if I post at all.
With that I bid you adieu. Hopefully, I’ll see you next Wednesday. 😉
Oh but here’s a little something extra if you, like me, need music inspiration:44 Songs about Overcoming Obstacles, Adversity, Hard Times, Challenges and Not Giving Up