It was a skinny dipping kind of night. Stripping down I slid into the hot tub to soak away the stress of a burdensome week both professionally and personally. It was a necessity. The weight of which had invoked a cat nap earlier in the evening. Something I never do.

I adore the feeling of buoyancy, my breasts recovering their youthful aplomb. Everything seems lighter in the water. It is my sacred space. Slowly the strain of the week drifted away.  I stared out at the city lights dancing across the lake. Even scars look cool under moonlight.

Yes, it was definitely a skinny dipping kind of night. Where you sit under a full moon and let the late summer air dry you. Soak in the sound of the waves lapping against the shore.

I imagined running to the end or the dock and plunging into the lake’s dark coolness. This however is best done with a partner in crime. Something I’ve been without for 6 years now. And for me some activities are preferably not solo. I want someone to hold my hand during the leap. Make sure the Lochness doesn’t nip my toes.

Lately, I’ve begun thinking about a return to dating life. But the idea of online dating, which seems to be “the way” these days, fills me with a strange kind of dread. However men don’t generally come knocking on the door so what’s a woman to do. Then there’s writing a dating profile…Oy Vey!!

See I’m a hopeless romantic that doesn’t believe there is such a thing as “the one”. I am stubborn to fault. I don’t do anything part way even self-sabotage. My strength belies my tender heart. I’m told I’m hard to read.

My eyes are my tell. So I often look away to hide. But if you can hold my gaze you’re winning. I’ll look into you, testing my strength and vulnerability, testing yours. I want to trust you.

I’m ink stained. And I’ll steal your shirt. But you won’t mind. We’ll be friends.

I love Scotch neat and cupcakes. Preferably salted caramel buttercream on vanilla. And the moment your fingers wind betwixt mine I’m a goner. I love to spoil my friends.

Now, don’t mistake my independence for disinterest or feminism for toughness. I can fix things myself but will gladly let you take care of me. I am one of the guys and a girly girl. A contradiction I’ve yet to resolve.

I believe in chivalry- open the door, pull out my chair, and ask if you can kiss me. But I also tend to take the lead when we dance. I’m hard to contain.

I’m into hair. Not slip-n-slides on men or woman. I love the feeling of silk on my skin. I want you to know me.

I’m oddly metaphysical. A ladybug flying into my mouth can render my mind useless as it attempts to process the obvious meaning. Yet I know I usually won’t find an answer. I’m ok with not knowing. Except when it comes to how you feel about me.

I will never need you. But boy will I want you. Chase me. I’m not as fast as I used to be.

I’ll go dancing and hike miles with you then spend the next three days icing a terribly swollen knee and popping Tylenol/codeine like crazy. But I’ll have no complaints and do it again the following week. But I won’t skydive or sleep on the ground and I no longer ski.

I’ve impressive scars having given up a few nonessential organs.  Thank God for redundancies in the human body. I had cancer.

Here’s the thing. I’ve been loved- deeply, intensely, harshly, cruelly, softly, and widely. I’ve been loved passionately, compassionately, courageously, purely, honestly, gently, heartrendingly, breathtakingly, transcendentally, blindingly, and madly. I’ve had two husbands- one a soulmate, the other a best friend. I have a preference.

I love beyond imagination, between the shadows, and tenderly. I love madly. I love completely. My friends say I’m the deep end of the pool.

I’ve learned life’s short. Love at its best is fragile. And yet I still want it all. I want the thunderbolts, the twitterpation, the attraction that keeps me up all night. I want to let go suspended in your embrace, safe, and still. Even though I know they’re all an illusion. I don’t care because I believe in getting lost.

I’m not looking for firsts anymore. I want to meet this lifetime’s last love. I want to let go and freefall together.