I Know… why I’m Still Single

It was a skinny dipping kind of night. Stripping down I slid into the hot tub to soak away the stress of a burdensome week both professionally and personally. It was a necessity. The weight of which had invoked a cat nap earlier in the evening. Something I never do.

I adore the feeling of buoyancy, my breasts recovering their youthful aplomb. Everything seems lighter in the water. It is my sacred space. Slowly the strain of the week drifted away.  I stared out at the city lights dancing across the lake. Even scars look cool under moonlight.

Yes, it was definitely a skinny dipping kind of night. Where you sit under a full moon and let the late summer air dry you. Soak in the sound of the waves lapping against the shore.

I imagined running to the end or the dock and plunging into the lake’s dark coolness. This however is best done with a partner in crime. Something I’ve been without for 6 years now. And for me some activities are preferably not solo. I want someone to hold my hand during the leap. Make sure the Lochness doesn’t nip my toes.

Lately, I’ve begun thinking about a return to dating life. But the idea of online dating, which seems to be “the way” these days, fills me with a strange kind of dread. However men don’t generally come knocking on the door so what’s a woman to do. Then there’s writing a dating profile…Oy Vey!!

See I’m a hopeless romantic that doesn’t believe there is such a thing as “the one”. I am stubborn to fault. I don’t do anything part way even self-sabotage. My strength belies my tender heart. I’m told I’m hard to read.

My eyes are my tell. So I often look away to hide. But if you can hold my gaze you’re winning. I’ll look into you, testing my strength and vulnerability, testing yours. I want to trust you.

I’m ink stained. And I’ll steal your shirt. But you won’t mind. We’ll be friends.

I love Scotch neat and cupcakes. Preferably salted caramel buttercream on vanilla. And the moment your fingers wind betwixt mine I’m a goner. I love to spoil my friends.

Now, don’t mistake my independence for disinterest or feminism for toughness. I can fix things myself but will gladly let you take care of me. I am one of the guys and a girly girl. A contradiction I’ve yet to resolve.

I believe in chivalry- open the door, pull out my chair, and ask if you can kiss me. But I also tend to take the lead when we dance. I’m hard to contain.

I’m into hair. Not slip-n-slides on men or woman. I love the feeling of silk on my skin. I want you to know me.

I’m oddly metaphysical. A ladybug flying into my mouth can render my mind useless as it attempts to process the obvious meaning. Yet I know I usually won’t find an answer. I’m ok with not knowing. Except when it comes to how you feel about me.

I will never need you. But boy will I want you. Chase me. I’m not as fast as I used to be.

I’ll go dancing and hike miles with you then spend the next three days icing a terribly swollen knee and popping Tylenol/codeine like crazy. But I’ll have no complaints and do it again the following week. But I won’t skydive or sleep on the ground and I no longer ski.

I’ve impressive scars having given up a few nonessential organs.  Thank God for redundancies in the human body. I had cancer.

Here’s the thing. I’ve been loved- deeply, intensely, harshly, cruelly, softly, and widely. I’ve been loved passionately, compassionately, courageously, purely, honestly, gently, heartrendingly, breathtakingly, transcendentally, blindingly, and madly. I’ve had two husbands- one a soulmate, the other a best friend. I have a preference.

I love beyond imagination, between the shadows, and tenderly. I love madly. I love completely. My friends say I’m the deep end of the pool.

I’ve learned life’s short. Love at its best is fragile. And yet I still want it all. I want the thunderbolts, the twitterpation, the attraction that keeps me up all night. I want to let go suspended in your embrace, safe, and still. Even though I know they’re all an illusion. I don’t care because I believe in getting lost.

I’m not looking for firsts anymore. I want to meet this lifetime’s last love. I want to let go and freefall together.

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6 thoughts on “I Know… why I’m Still Single

  1. Pingback: The Weekend ~It’s Just a Wednesday | DCTdesigns Creative Canvas

  2. I think I just fell in love with you … if only I weren’t already married 😉 This I believe sums you up nicely: “My friends say I’m the deep end of the pool.” Perhaps another trip to Australia is in order?

  3. If you were to do an internet profile that post I’ve just read is a winner in my opinion, because it is raw and real and genuine and speaks of a person we recognise in ourselves. Funnily enough I’m posting about someone who tries out internet dating after years of being a bachelorhood, but his profile is a disaster compared to this moving and connecting piece.

    • Thanks Peter. Perhaps when I get around to actually creating a dating profile I’ll just add the link to this post. Of course then they will get way TMI on the blog as a whole. But hey they’ll know what they’re signing up to. 😉 I will have to head over and read your dating profile post.

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