As 2014 comes to a close I feel compelled to write something. Problem is I haven’t had much to say. Been busy (*casually makes excuse for laziness) Fuck!
Okay, how about housekeeping. I’ve been recovering from my latest surgery. My LAST SURGERY EVER as I like calling it, hoping in vain that the universe hears this prayer and complies with my foolhardy demands. Seriously, I’m done being cut open and frankly I’m running out of organs I can donate. Eventually we’ll come to one I actually require to stay alive.
I’ve been finishing up legal paperwork to extricate myself from a home I own with my spiritual teacher, a friend now living in an Alzheimer’s facility. Life is cruel. And some complexities are burdensome, too hard to share, too deep to feel without falling to pieces.
PRPSA has been living on the couch in my tiny apartment. Just as I thought I’d finally have my own place, my own space, some peace for myself after 12 years- Ha! Best Laid Plan of this little mouse…… We are running to the frayed end of our patience with one another.
But I can’t bear the idea of him sleeping on the streets and that seems to be where things have come. I don’t have answers. I don’t have ANY answers at the moment. So I’m just feeling my way blind along the walls before me. Because I’ve learned sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
This holiday season I spent time with my family- the first in 12 years. I found myself falling quickly in love with a niece and nephew born and near grown inside my absence. Meeting husbands I never met and sisters anew. Maturity is a gift. Distance clarifying.
Eventually I’ll make my way back to the blog, to my Australia posts. And in time I hope my art returns to my brushes, my muse returns to me. But for now I’m on hiatus. Playing, tying up loose ends and praying that 2015 be smoother than 2014 (there is no love lost between us).
This is my Phoenix rising. 2014 brought me to ash, challenging my sanity and resolve. I have learned this year to give up my resistance. I AM aware that I may get another curve ball thrown my way, but I will handle it, and still come through whole. I know that things happen in their own time. I control very little except how I choose to react. And no matter what, I refuse to lose sight of joy. There are moments the darkness is suffocating, but even then I will seek the refuge of my own light and find a grain of joy from within. I’ve got them squirrel away for just a rainy day.
2015 is a year of renewal, for me a rebirth. And in that vein I’ve been trying out parts of my personality, letting the thespian come out. Donning wigs like characters to free up parts of my expression so long closed down. I am planning to explode from the inside out till I remember how to paint my world vivid once more.
To you all- I wish a Very Glorifying New Year! May your dreams find you dancing!
And for PRPSA -one of these