Cuddles, Colectomies and Cairns

Klimt Kiss

It’s official. I have to have surgery again. Remove the floppy portion of my colon that is spinning about like a tether ball- twisting, wreaking havoc on my digestive system. I’m dreading it. However they need to remove the loose portion before it spins around, twists off permanently, leading to sepsis and death. So surgery #10 is imminent. I know, by now you’d think I’d be a pro. I assure you I’m not.

The last one (Kidney removal/cancer-for those who haven’t been following along) was TOUGH. And to boot this next surgery comes with the dreaded NG tube. The only saving grace for my sanity is this time they place it while I’m unconscious. I don’t have to mutter prayers out of fear and swallow it through my nose until it reaches my stomach. Don’t let this fool you; I want to cry simply at the thought of it. Another 3 nights in the hospital and 3 weeks recovery that I pray don’t morph into 10 and 5 respectively like last time.

I knew there was no way I’d be able to stomach it (pun intended) without getting away first, doing something for my emotional, mental health. Or I knew I wouldn’t heal physically and let’s get real; I’d go bat shit crazy. So going into colonoscopy #2 I asked the Doc to tell me if traveling was out of the question and would endanger me. If I could postpone my surgery then I wanted to go to Australia for 10 days. He gave me the thumbs up with a few safety caveats.

On as a side note- I flirted with my anesthesiologist. DT² is so proud. He was handsome, administering drugs to keep me unconscious during round 2. Seriously, the man was sparing me further pain- a God as far as I’m concerned. I actually told him I loved him.

The recruiter and I were recently discussing the hotness of anesthesiologists. Her son had his appendix rupture and his anesthesiologist was gorgeous, ripped really. Yes folks her 14 year old son was going into surgery and she was flirting. That’s my girl. Opportunities should be seized. That’s the motto I’m embracing these days. At least till there is someone special in my life to snuggle with regularly.

When I undressed for colonoscopy #2 I realized I failed to shave. I know! Any self-respecting woman shaves before visiting her Gyno. So naturally the same applies here. I was a wee bit horrified and expressed such to the nurse. The anesthetist heard through the door and joked about Dr K having to carefully navigate my hair problem during the procedure. I adore a man with a healthy sense of humor. If you make me laugh you’re golden.

As they were hooking me up for a nice afternoon rest, Nurse K leaned over me to help adjust the arm rest as Handsome A placed my IV. She apologized for lying on top of me. I told her not to worry, everyone should get a good cuddle with their colonoscopy. It should be the new marketing campaign- Free Cuddle and a Colonoscopy. If I was gay and Nurse K was gay and not married with children I’d have hit on her too. She’s awesome! (A.K.A also made me laugh).

So the next morning I went into the office with baited breath. I was about to request nearly 5 weeks off of work from now until the end of the year. I only have 5 days of available time-off remaining.

To boot, I’ve spent every ounce of my monetary reserves this year on medical bills and carrying a mortgage along with rent (long story). I don’t have any debt but if I was going to travel I was going to have to charge it because I simply do not have the funds available at the moment. But let’s be honest Why-The-F-Not?!

I got the okay for time-off which may be unpaid. But if my boss’s past behavior is any indicator they will take care of me. I’ve been loyal to them for 16 years. The surgery, they realize, is unavoidable and the time off they could tell mandatory for my sanity. So I immediately charged plane tickets. I’m now $2700 in debt and counting. I’ve leapt.

The next few weeks will be a whirl wind. I have to produce quarter end statements, prepare my apartment for asbestos abasement (which will take place while I’m away), and figure out what to pack to travel for the first time in 6 years. I haven’t been abroad for nearly 12 years. My cousin has put me on the wait list for a business class upgrade from LAX to Sydney. Fingers crossed! I deserve a happy surprise somewhere.

I’m looking forward to time with The Recruiter. The only woman who gets me hit on. I swear it is uncanny. When I’m with her men buy us drinks, approach, flirt. She says it is because we are the best of both worlds- a blonde and a brunette. But I think it is because together we laugh and play, we’re open and inviting- not our normal intimidating selves. Joy is infectious and men are drawn towards it like Icarus to the sun. I realize I should have used a friendlier metaphor like bees to honey. But admit it; male/female dynamics are tricky. Truthfully I believe it is all her. Men adore her. I adore her.

And as my Schwab rep recently reminded “Aussies are hot. Those penal colonies know how to breed men, sturdy survival types”. Ugh, yummy with a side of yes please! So we will have plenty to look at. Okay, honestly, the beach, and the water and fishies will most likely fill my quota of gorgeous on this trip.

On my way back I’ve got a day’s layover in Honolulu. But with the recent Ebola breakout and Hawaii’s exposure I’m not happy. As a matter of fact my boss suggested I just stay in Australia. “Find a space and we’ll move the office there” he said. Now that’s a great idea.

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9 thoughts on “Cuddles, Colectomies and Cairns

  1. I am so glad to hear that you are going to travel, darling — of that part I am extremely jealous. You are my hero, staying so up-beat and flirting and such. It’s hard not to read between the lines, but the fact that there are lines to read between is so wonderfully encouraging. Stay in touch, you hear!

    • There are lines and wrinkles and bags. 😉

      What’s to fear. Until I meet you, chat face to face over a few greyhounds, laugh til I pee and get a good proper cuddle I can’t die. Until then I must Live as fully as I can!

  2. You’re boss is onto it, set up here, you’ll love it! Will you be keeping us updated on your movements or will we have to wait till you get home to blog all about it? When do you get here?

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