The Weekend ~ When Life Becomes Better Than Fiction


Once again I am faltering on writing for Friday Fictioneers. This week’s picture should have conjured up images of a past life as a Sea Salt farmer on the Cote D’Azur. Instead all I could see was the inside of my colon and my looming procedure. Perhaps this comes in the delirium of prep and the lack of food for 24 hours prior to a colonoscopy. Either way words simply wouldn’t flow.

The following morning I arose bright and early. Jumped in the shower, of course one needs to be squeaky clean all over. My friend arrived early. I ran barefoot to the back door of my apartment building and let her in. Turning around I realized there was something covering the linoleum. It was moving. Hundreds of maggots lay before me and the other door, between my bare feet and apartment. OMG! I have to walk across them barefoot. Holy Shit! I already did.

I sprinted back across with visions of them boring into the bottom of my feet horror flick style. Then like anyone adept in the art of delusional optimism I decided it was the newest pedicure. If maggots can eat rotting flesh then perhaps they could make good work of dry summer cracked heels and smooth things out. Akin to those koy fish pedicures that became so trendy.

To say I was utterly skeeved out might be too mild a sentiment. It felt like a bad omen. I still had a colonoscopy to get through. We arrived early at the doctor’s office as all good German children do. Punctuality is practically a birthright and waited.

Now I want to make a disclaimer for anyone who has yet to have their first colonoscopy. Please know that what is about to happen to me is not the norm. As a matter of fact I know no one else who has ever had this experience.

I made my way back to the room, got comfortable and bantered with the nurses as they tried to chase my squirrely veins and place my IV. The doc was running a wee late from rounds at the hospital, obviously not the child of a German. He arrived and they administered the meds to get started.

Here is where things get fun. The sedation did not work. Let’s just say I was crying out in pain, agonizing pain. They had to stop the procedure. He made it up to the first loop though at the moment I’d have said he was ripping across my mid-belly. They’d given me all the meds they could for someone my height and weight, should have rendered me unconscious into dreamland like it does for everyone else. But no such luck. They sat me up and I hurled. I was wide awake, bloated and nauseous.

Lucky Me! Again I appear to me one in a million. Not the lottery I want to win. The universe certainly has a sense of humor. I yearn for a drama free life. Ha! I get maggots and lucid colonoscopies.

And now I get to do it all over again in a week and half, this time under the supervision of an anesthesiologist. They’re worried my lone Kidney (I envision my kidney atop a bucking horse lone ranger style) will have trouble with the cleansing drugs twice. So I have to be very careful and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

The good news is this time I am prepared. No really prepared. I have movies, a heating blanket, lots of Agua, and flushable wipes.

So yesterday I threw myself a good right pity party for the remainder of the afternoon. Figured I’d earned it. If I felt better I might have bought myself a chocolate cake and begun eating it from the middle outward. This may still be on the weekend agenda. I have not ruled it out completely. I do have another system flush looming.

But my first priority is to pick up the couch I bought on craigslist so all the friends supporting me have somewhere to sit. It only seems right. Considering all the offers of love they are sending my way.

Now if they would all quit taking trips to Paris, Seoul, Tokyo, Shanghai and Australia without me that would be nifty. Honestly it is just salt in my wound.

Yes, I see one giant chocolate cake and pint of Haggen Dazs in my future.

Blast from This Blogs Past

The Weekend Reading List

Something Extra

6 thoughts on “The Weekend ~ When Life Becomes Better Than Fiction

  1. Pingback: Welcome to My Blogiversary | The Seeker's Dungeon

  2. Granted, I feel guilty liking this… but oh my! That all sounds horrible! Horrible. The maggots, would have undone me all together. In fact, just reading about it undoes me! But having had a few colonoscopies now, the rest is chill worthy. You are clearly entitled to having your cake and eating it too– with ice cream!

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