Hidden Modus Operandi & NaPoWriMo

katemoss-homespa-by-sante-d_orazioOur Hidden Modus Operandi was the Dungeon prompt last week. I never got around to writing anything but I knew my answer instantly, Self-Sabotage. I am the girl that lost her voice, got sick, two weeks before any stage performance. Oh, the physical symptoms where real- laryngitis, running nose, cough, sometimes the works. But the cause was psychosomatic. I have a very intense mind body connection. And sometimes it works against me.

You might wonder the goal to getting sick. Well, once the show came around and I performed, I could hold my less than 100% vocals in my back pocket- justification for my lack of perfection. The saddest aspect of all is I was never disappointed with my performance, even when I forgot my lines or sang the first verse twice. I always knew I had done my best. So why set myself up?

I don’t handle stress well. I take it to body. My loved ones say I over nurture others and neglect myself, TRUE.  They also tell me I don’t express my anger enough nor ask for help enough, Guilty as charged.

Which brings me forward to the present and NaPoWriMo, I knew it was too much at the offset. I knew my stress this month would be maxed. The 6 week wait for the next scan, my co-worker leaving, and quarter end financial reports…….trust me I can go on. But I secretly convinced myself it would be good. It would be a needed distraction. This is True and False as it turns out the double edged sword. And honestly a load of crap. I know better.

This week in particular has been tough. I actually lost time, thought my scan was this Monday. No such luck, it is next Monday. So I have had to endure the prolonged wait before my next CT to recheck my lungs and make sure the cancer hasn’t decided to migrate. It is a bit of an anxiety purgatory. I expected the “see you in 6 months” pat on the back, not “we need to take a closer look in 6 weeks”. This was not a scheduled stop. As if I get to control the agenda. I hear the Universe laughing as I type this.

I had planned to sneak two old poems into the mix for the 22nd and  23rd and pretend like I am keeping up. But I’m not.  I will give one I wrote for today. And if you haven’t yet, read Tax Day.

A few months back I thought about going to a thrice weekly posting schedule. So, of course,  I instantly start posting sometimes twice a day and on the occasional weekend. So, Like I said, Hidden Modus Operandi = Self-Sabotage. Edging Towards Overload the title of my unwritten memoir.

Karma’s Busted (or Newton’s 3rd Law)

I heard the news today
As one does, over lunch with a friend.
My cancer fears’ giving way
To news of your engagement.
Your newfound certainty
In bas-relief to my stasis.
It didn’t strike the chord
I imagined this day would.
You moving towards the future
As I tread along, hoping for one.

 

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14 thoughts on “Hidden Modus Operandi & NaPoWriMo

  1. Your post and your poem are SO powerful. Thank you for giving me a glimpse into all you are dealing with.

    Regarding being our own worst enemies, there is a prayer I learned years ago that I love:

    Lord,
    Please help me make it through this self created and totally unnecessary challenge.

    We all do that….. endlessly.

  2. A gut wrenching final line to your poem.
    I also started the NaPoWriMo, but I only lasted 7 days and then I pretty much got sick of writing altogether and had to try and keep the dust off of my blog. I’m not so much self-sabotage as normally I have to aim for double what is reasonable so that I will at least do the half. But I can’t aim for half in the beginning because it just doesn’t motivate me.

    • Thanks Sreejit. Yes a poem a day is a feat. And honestly I want to like writing not do simply because.

      Have to say I’m terrible (on the pathos Self-Sab scale). As I read your “aim for double so you do half” method my internal dialogue said “Yeah that’s all I’m doing aiming for half not overloading the cart”. 🙂 Keep motivated.- Dana

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  5. This was a profound and poignant poem. No amount of words can express my sympathy for all that you’re going through and my admiration for your strength and humility. I can relate to your self-sabotage experiences, and the toll it takes when we take on too many obligations. I suppose it is often true that’s we’re our own worst enemies, whether we come to recognize it or not. I send wishes of warmth and wellness to you.

    • We are our own worst enemies. And even when we recognize it, the trick is to knock that S…Off. 😉

      Some of my favorite poems come to me after having lunch with a friend. Thanks Adelie.

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