Our Hidden Modus Operandi was the Dungeon prompt last week. I never got around to writing anything but I knew my answer instantly, Self-Sabotage. I am the girl that lost her voice, got sick, two weeks before any stage performance. Oh, the physical symptoms where real- laryngitis, running nose, cough, sometimes the works. But the cause was psychosomatic. I have a very intense mind body connection. And sometimes it works against me.
You might wonder the goal to getting sick. Well, once the show came around and I performed, I could hold my less than 100% vocals in my back pocket- justification for my lack of perfection. The saddest aspect of all is I was never disappointed with my performance, even when I forgot my lines or sang the first verse twice. I always knew I had done my best. So why set myself up?
I don’t handle stress well. I take it to body. My loved ones say I over nurture others and neglect myself, TRUE. They also tell me I don’t express my anger enough nor ask for help enough, Guilty as charged.
Which brings me forward to the present and NaPoWriMo, I knew it was too much at the offset. I knew my stress this month would be maxed. The 6 week wait for the next scan, my co-worker leaving, and quarter end financial reports…….trust me I can go on. But I secretly convinced myself it would be good. It would be a needed distraction. This is True and False as it turns out the double edged sword. And honestly a load of crap. I know better.
This week in particular has been tough. I actually lost time, thought my scan was this Monday. No such luck, it is next Monday. So I have had to endure the prolonged wait before my next CT to recheck my lungs and make sure the cancer hasn’t decided to migrate. It is a bit of an anxiety purgatory. I expected the “see you in 6 months” pat on the back, not “we need to take a closer look in 6 weeks”. This was not a scheduled stop. As if I get to control the agenda. I hear the Universe laughing as I type this.
I had planned to sneak two old poems into the mix for the 22nd and 23rd and pretend like I am keeping up. But I’m not. I will give one I wrote for today. And if you haven’t yet, read Tax Day.
A few months back I thought about going to a thrice weekly posting schedule. So, of course, I instantly start posting sometimes twice a day and on the occasional weekend. So, Like I said, Hidden Modus Operandi = Self-Sabotage. Edging Towards Overload the title of my unwritten memoir.
Karma’s Busted (or Newton’s 3rd Law)
I heard the news today
As one does, over lunch with a friend.
My cancer fears’ giving way
To news of your engagement.
Your newfound certainty
In bas-relief to my stasis.
It didn’t strike the chord
I imagined this day would.
You moving towards the future
As I tread along, hoping for one.